After growing very obviously tired of the little red haired girl in my life often raising a fuss over my ‘occasional’ drinking habit, I finally arrived at an unexpected realization as to how I could permanently remedy this ongoing and undesirable habit of her own, that was consistently driving a wedge between the two of us. Here’s what I decided to do. I gave her all of my hard earned money I had patiently socked away in the bank for about the past 45 years, gave her the title to the car and the deed to the house before reminding her that the only moments I’ve ever been able to bring myself to kiss her or go down on her were an obvious result of my (occasional) drinking habit. Not at all surprisingly enough, this almost instantly led to a new argument which had nothing at all to do with my drinking for a change. But oh, what a very welcome change it was indeed…
Here’s one that still really tickles me to this very day (good looking blonde along with a real true lack of reasoning abilities to prove it, just in case you happened to be blind as a bat and one of her other many boyfriends, I do suppose). Not only did we have an understanding that ours was to always be an open relationship until we ever thought it might somehow become a wonderful idea to become engaged, but she decided to have the bright idea to have an affair (which technically speaking, you would have to have to actually be married to officially consider it an actual act of ‘cheating’ in the first place, not to mention the fact it was to be an open relationship from the git go).
Here’s what happened before it all went down. One of my co-workers informed her he saw me talking to another girl in the break room at work, and he thought he suspected we might be getting it on (even behind closed doors at work). It’s not at all for me to share exactly how I came to find this out, but it turns out that the only reason he attempted to make her jealous was that he could create an opportunity for himself to get into her pants.lol Which she, most unsurprisingly did promptly did allow him to.
Now then, while this was going on at her apartment I decided to pay her a not at all untypical surprise visit, which had often made us both happy at random times among the past. I knocked a few times on the door, shortly before banging a few times after noticing her car was in the parking lot indicating she was at home.
Man what a wasted trip, I thought to myself as I made the very long drive home (also wondering if I myself had said or did anything wrong to cause her to not want to answer the door). She called me later to inform me she not only thought, but ‘knew’ I was ‘cheating’ on her behind her back with a co-worker. I promptly informed her not only of my innocence regarding this accusation of hers, but also reminded her (that even if this did indeed happen to be the case) of that fact that we agreed to be free to see other people from the very beginning of our relationship.
Here’s the really funny part…when I asked her why she didn’t answer the door earlier to let me in as usual, she replied that she LOCKED herself out of her apartment and must not have been there in the first place. I then reminded her that surely she too must be well aware of that most perfectly obvious impossibility, as the door only locked by key from the outside. Pretty typical of a true blonde, eh?..I simply agreed to disagree with her in this particular case, and decided for myself that all’s fair in love and war before agreeing to break off this OPEN relationship for good.
Two weeks later she showed up unannounced at my doorstep, and asked if she could possibly count upon me to be a future available reference by her to other ‘like minded’ individuals who are also very keen on enjoying the FREEDOMS expected by agreeing to be involved in an OPEN relationship.LMFAO (maybe I’ll add a much better, well thought out punchline at another time)
Women. Can’t live with them, can’t kill them. Women. Can’t live with them, can never find enough storage space in the deep freeze for spare body parts if you do happen to decide to kill them anyway. Women. Can’t live with them, can’t chop them up into tiny little bits and pieces without making such an ungodly mess to have to hire (and also have to provide payment to) an entire army to remove and clean up afterwards. btw, not that I would actually ever seriously for a single solitary moment condone considering engaging in this most bizarre type of obviously criminal behavior, but in my particular case it’s worked. And it wasn’t even my fault in the first place. But seriously…if you aren’t happy with your own current mate(s), just do what I did. Just murder the living shit out of them. Or better still, kill them all and bring them all back to life in some mysteriously unexplainable way and kill them all over once again. But this time, do it VERY slowly. Alright. Of course I’m obviously only kidding. If you aren’t currently happy with the love of your life, OPEN relationships are a most perfectly and modernly acceptable alternative to consider, that do most oftenly provide even fewer unexpected and unwanted disagreements. Although I do not at all recommend pursuing very good looking natural blondes from my own personal experiences. That is unless they are on welfare and even more naturally inclined to agree and abide by an ongoing understanding that neither party is ever expected to appear to act and behave by the other, as if they are “properly” housebroken.
My very own little golden book for adults. 