The first step is to admit, either to yourself or to someone else that you do have a problem (likely best to keep to yourself if already in the sitting position). Either way, remain calm at all times. Never allow the tidy bowl man to see the fear in your eyes prior to popping a squat on the head. Speak calmly, yet assertively to the docile roughage clinging to the inside of your rear exit. A few common suggestions: ‘come out, come out with my pants down..my ass has you completely surrounded’, if you are into horror flicks (such as the (original) amityville horror) ‘get ooooout..get ouuuut of the asssss’. If neither of these statements appear to prove to be effective enough upon what remains of this unfriendly ghost that crawled up into your butt and died once more, I do then recommend the ‘vacation plan’ approach. This can sometimes produce great results when least expected. Two phrases in this scenario I prefer to use: ‘come on out of my butt..you know you want to, and you know it will be fun’, and ‘prepare to meet your ‘baker’, in that great big septic tank in the ground’. Butt, whatever you don’t do..remain persistent, while wearing plenty of anti-perspirent. (end of lesson one) Hush lil tidy bowl man, don’t you cry..daddy’s gonna’ sing you a lullaby. If your day off don’t make you sing, daddy’s gonna’ try to find a way to make you scream. I write the songs that make the whole world screeeeeeam..I write the songs, I write the songs (on the bathroom wall) [bonus ol’ timey honkey inspirational] Don’t give up. I know you too can do it. Hopefully sometime before new year’s?.. Keep the faith. Hang in there, uh..no, uhhh that’s not right. Sorry. Bonus tip: if all else fails, remember to make a list of the good things (unless you happened to die, just like Elvis). Always have a backup plan for your backdoor problem(s)..Never be afraid to ask for help. E.g.: You are new in a strange and unfamiliar town while fleeing the radiation steadily emanating from once nearby ‘ground zero’. You could try locating the nearest local law enforcement office and if/whenever successful, immediately after properly introducing yourself..just simply ask if you could borrow a cup of weed, and a roll of toilet paper. Hopefully it will be 2-ply. As long as you mention the ‘tp’, chances are you won’t have to explain you are simply trying to take something of a healthy dump. As a sign/indicator you are a good neighbor, always offer to return the weed and/or teepee once you are finished ‘borrowing’ it. Then run like almighty hell to the nearest available head yelling ‘sorry, gotta’ gooooo…semper fiiiiiiii!’..(end of lesson 2)
My very own little golden book for adults. 