119: Segway (safety tips) for (crash test) dummies. Welcome ‘back’ once more, to the very gates of hell..

FREE James Brown..
FREE James Brown..
OK, so now like everybody is like staring at us and stuff like we’ve finally run out of moves, so what do we do next?
Do the robot!..Do the robot!..
Mick, I see 3 of him in front of me, like? What should I do Mick?..Rocky, just aim for the one in the middle..
Uhh, like uhhh, which one again Mick?..
Fun fun.. (curb) surfin’ safari..
Oh no! Now I’ve finally gone and done it..travelled back in time after hitting a bump. Now I once more am standing perfectly erect once again..
Is that a smile on your car’s hood, or is it just admiring my firm and well tightly shaped ass?..Hey, you..car hood..the eyes in the back of my head are ‘up here’..NOT down there already.
Hold onto what’s left of your dick, because you are about to hit something really really hard (and no one else in their right mind wants to protect it for you either).
WARNING: Do NOT piss on the Segway, either while riding OR idling. Doing so WILL void the manufacturer’s warranty.
While entering your local wally world, be sure to make eye contact w/the door greeter as he/she says hello while you intentionally bang your head as hard as possible. Can you say ‘class action lawsuit’?..
While segwaying at putt putt, always remember to wave at your fans, while hanging onto your balls. Putt putt customer service can be the biggest pain in the ass among them all if you ever happen to misplace them..
Whenever the wind is at your back, be sure to lean forward to insure no one else will likely suspect it was any sort of intentional accident that sent you to the local ER..
Drinking w/underage children while attempting to safely ride a segway is strictly prohibited in most places (and may lead to voiding the warranty due to increased risk of damage to unit), even if your other bisexual drinking buddies offer their approval. Check your local laws if ever in doubt.
Hmmm, you have no hands or neck attached in this drawing too.. We are always bumping into each other here, just before helping one another scoop up whatever is salvagable among the pavement here that remains of each other’s guts and unpleasantly smelling other former ‘innards’ and such eh?.. We should be buddies..
Oh no..the injuns are coming once again w/their spears and arrows..alert captain america at once!!
Segwaying on frozen lakes is strictly prohibited. Check your local laws before ever attempting..
Riding over the letter ‘W’ is strictly prohibited, even if you thought this message was brought to you by the sideways letter ‘x’..
Taking pepto bismol just prior to mounting a segway for the first time is not at all advised. If you feel the urge to do just so, consult w/your local physician and learn more about the potentially unexpected side effects that could potentially be involved possibly leading to your next ‘accident’.
When lifting your segway, be sure to tilt your entire upper body away (including your head) so as not to potentially/likely be knocked flat on your ass by the unmanned unit almost instantaneously, along with many potentially acquired treadmarks across your face possibly requiring many stitches.
If you are ever stopped in public by a really hot chick who compliments your segway in such an unexpected candor/demeanor that gives you an instant boner, bend over slowly while stepping off the back of the unit before lifting it up over your waist/crotch area, so as to avoid potentially unwanted accidental incidents which could lead to damaging either unit (while possibly voiding the warranty).
Just continue to lean forward, while remaining as calm as possible.. Avoiding making any further eye to boob/ass contact w/her. Your boner should continue to go down.
Yes..that one in the very middle officer. I’d recognize that neckless/handless figure from my segway manual anywhere..
This is exactly what you look like to others after experiencing your first near accident after stepping upon your new segway just before leaping off of it a few split seconds later. Don’t be embarassed though, they already knew you were a complete dork for ever taking the time to order it in the first place ; )
The return..of the thing..w/the detachable head, hands, and penis..but this time, he’s back from the dead, and even badder than ever..movin’ on up just like George and Weezy; )
Whenever approaching a short flight of stairs, be sure to take the red ‘x’, the black ‘x’ is not your friend..
Congratulations, you’ve finally arrived at the very ending of this tutorial, and all of your lucky ‘x’ marks, ‘check’ marks, and arrow signs seem to all be in perfect order/alignment for the time being. Now all you have to do is locate your hands and neck, wherever you lost them before prematurely taking it for your very first test drive (as expected by us). Best of luck ever successfully suing us in court. MWAHHAHHAHHAHHH MMMM= )

(bonus instructional vid for safer ‘travelling’, whether by segway or not)

Leave a comment