Author: Soulmaster665

Return, of the 200 billion dollar duck..

So the doctor steps into one of his many examination rooms, then greets the old woman he remembers who visited him a few months prior who claimed to have a duck in her butt. He asks her what the reason for her visit might be this time around. She says ‘oh no..it’s not for me, my lil butt duckling is the one in need of assistance this time’.’ ‘Madam, I am certainly no sort of skillfully trained and practicing proctologist..but if you’d like I could recommend a very good one for you’. ‘Oh, it’s really a very minor problem doctor’ she says.. ‘Oh really?’, he replies ‘let’s have it then dear..’ ‘My lil butt duckling seems to have..’, she sobs..’a very most unexpected..frog, in it’s throat’. ‘Oh, in that case madame..the animal hospital is really where you should try to have this problem properly fixed. Now, if you’ll excuse me..’ he replies nervously before darting out of the examining room door. Her mascara is running from her eyes to her cheeks as she continues to sob away in the otherwise empty room ‘Ohhh noooooo, they already said they couldn’t make the problem go away either. boo hooooo..’ (the 200 billion duck will return)

109: Fill my eyes, w/that double vision..it’s no surprise..

bnb-nein-wun-wun.jpg

Where’s the hundred or so friends of a friend who asked a certain teen to come up w/proof on video, of the very dates (in time that is) the ‘origins 1 & 2’ tracks were ‘actually’ recorded..in such a certain indisputable manner (on video)? And where are each of their hundred or so friends, w/video copies of their very own..and so on?..Does it really matter? hmmm..Well wadya’ know?..maybe for once it just actually ‘might’ this time. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/films/0/brad-pitt-brokeback-johnny-depps-joker-cant-resist-hollywood/

https://66.media.tumblr.com/f7afba7c86fe5cd5c5923aa10a853152/tumblr_mvdkw8euIU1qcga5ro1_500.gifv ….This town’s full of money grabbers… My brain’s been battered, splattered all over Manhattan …..bite the big apple.. …’what if I was Heathcliff, it’s no myth’..no way, that’s not the damn rolling stones dude.hahaha= ) https://soulmaster665.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/156d8-18iakxv09q2hhtpyz4j1usg.gif https://data.whicdn.com/images/81407968/original.gif https://66.media.tumblr.com/1974f9346d07a572b93e32759105868a/tumblr_mvq14qodUN1t01cioo1_500.gif

Living without arms.

So I’m walking to the grocery store and I tripped and fell.  “Help me” I cried “I can’t get up, I have no arms”.  Fortunately for me, help arrived very soon afterward and I was back upon my merry way.  As I neared the automatic sliding front doors of the grocery store, I noticed they wouldn’t budge, no matter how many times I backed away before trying again.  The buggy pusher on duty came to my rescue saying “helps if you swing your arms a bit while approaching” before he noticed I didn’t have any, then apologizing.  “Don’t worry kid”, I replied “at my age I’m already quite used to it”.   With a wave of his hand the sliding doors opened and I was on my way once again.  Much to my dismay, I soon after discovered they had relocated the stove top jiffy pop to the the very top shelf.  I asked a nearby shopper if she could grab a couple for me, and put them in my butt, I didn’t have much explaining to have to do.  “Aaaaaaaaaahhhh, thank you” I said before making my way to the nearest checkout with the shortest line.  As I stood there in line, all of a sudden there was this very strange popping sound coming from my butt.  Soon, all of the customers ahead of me and behind began to give me funny looks.  “It’s all in the butt” I said..”nothing hidden up my sleeves” as I quickly recomposed myself.

Public Service Announcement

WORKING/PREACHING on a SUNDAY?..ALL you PREACHERS are going STRAIGHT TO hell.  Have a NICE day= )

(Alternatively, you could easily walk up to anyone working at any business on this ‘holy’ day of the week, point at ’em like donald sutherland at the end of the original body snatchers flick..while asking, ‘working on a sunday?’…’can’t you go to hell for that?’..)

102: How to survive a ‘surprise’ nuclear holocaust w/out any available ex-lax, lessons one & two.

The first step is to admit, either to yourself or to someone else that you do have a problem (likely best to keep to yourself if already in the sitting position).  Either way, remain calm at all times.  Never allow the tidy bowl man to see the fear in your eyes prior to popping a squat on the head.  Speak calmly, yet assertively to the docile roughage clinging to the inside of your rear exit.  A few common suggestions: ‘come out, come out with my pants down..my ass has you completely surrounded’, if you are into horror flicks (such as the (original) amityville horror) ‘get ooooout..get ouuuut of the asssss’.  If neither of these statements appear to prove to be effective enough upon what remains of this unfriendly ghost that crawled up into your butt and died once more, I do then recommend the ‘vacation plan’ approach.  This can sometimes produce great results when least expected.  Two phrases in this scenario I prefer to use: ‘come on out of my butt..you know you want to, and you know it will be fun’, and ‘prepare to meet your ‘baker’, in that great big septic tank in the ground’.  Butt, whatever you don’t do..remain persistent, while wearing plenty of anti-perspirent.  (end of lesson one)  Hush lil tidy bowl man, don’t you cry..daddy’s gonna’ sing you a lullaby.  If your day off don’t make you sing, daddy’s gonna’ try to find a way to make you scream.  I write the songs that make the whole world screeeeeeam..I write the songs, I write the songs (on the bathroom wall) [bonus ol’ timey honkey inspirational]  Don’t give up.  I know you too can do it.  Hopefully sometime before new year’s?..  Keep the faith.  Hang in there, uh..no, uhhh that’s not right.  Sorry.  Bonus tip: if all else fails, remember to make a list of the good things (unless you happened to die, just like Elvis).  Always have a backup plan for your backdoor problem(s)..Never be afraid to ask for help.  E.g.: You are new in a strange and unfamiliar town while fleeing the radiation steadily emanating from once nearby ‘ground zero’.  You could try locating the nearest local law enforcement office and if/whenever successful, immediately after properly introducing yourself..just simply ask if you could borrow a cup of weed, and a roll of toilet paper.  Hopefully it will be 2-ply.  As long as you mention the ‘tp’, chances are you won’t have to explain you are simply trying to take something of a healthy dump. As a sign/indicator you are a good neighbor, always offer to return the weed and/or teepee once you are finished ‘borrowing’ it.  Then run like almighty hell to the nearest available head yelling ‘sorry, gotta’ gooooo…semper fiiiiiiii!’..(end of lesson 2)