My very own little golden book for adults.

We spent probably the better part of an hour travelling to the nearest available portrait studio in proximity to grandpa’s home before we finally arrived at our destination.  When it was time for us to get out of the car, grandpa informed me he had somehow (unexpectedly) forgotten his teeth once again, and insisted he didn’t want to entertain the very thought that what could, any day soon become permanently known as his final family portrait be allowed to ever be captured on film, if he wasn’t appearing to be wearing only his very finest available smile.  And so, without any attempt to begin to argue that it was such a very long drive to have to make simply in one direction, and with no further adieu, I promptly did most unselfishly bite my lip as we made our way slowly back to grandpa’s place in the country.

Just for the sake of making a longer story shorter, after searching all about grandpa’s house in a most feverish attempt to finally solve the mystery regarding the exact whereabouts of those very missing teeth, he yelled out I found them.  You probably aren’t going to believe this next part of my story, as ever impossibly improbable of an actual real life occurrence I did indeed witness with my very own eyes.  Just looky here, he said while pointing into the toilet.  Right exactly where I left them in the first place.  Then as he leaned down slowly in order to be able to retrieve them, with his hand resting upon the handle of the commode…

Yep, you probably guessed it already.  He flushed his teeth right down the very drain.  I had to place an emergency call to the nearest available plumber somewhere outside of my grandpa’s homestead.  Which was already so obviously most conveniently located right smack dab in the very middle of no other possibly available place for him to choose to have made the decision to purchase and to own a permanent home, anywhere else upon any given map, other than Bumfuck, Timbuktu itself.  (more, possibly later)

We spent probably the better part of an hour travelling to the nearest available portrait studio in proximity to grandpa’s home before we finally arrived at our destination.  When it was time for us to get out of the car, grandpa informed me he had somehow (unexpectedly) forgotten his teeth once again, and insisted he didn’t want to entertain the very thought that what could, any day soon become permanently known as his final family portrait be allowed to ever be captured on film, if he wasn’t appearing to be wearing only his very finest available smile.  And so, without any attempt to begin to argue that it was such a very long drive to have to make simply in one direction, and with no further adieu, I promptly did most unselfishly bite my lip as we made our way slowly back to grandpa’s place in the country.

Just for the sake of making a longer story shorter, after searching all about grandpa’s house in a most feverish attempt to finally solve the mystery regarding the exact whereabouts of those very missing teeth, he yelled out I found them.  You probably aren’t going to believe this next part of my story, as ever impossibly improbable of an actual real life occurrence I did indeed witness with my very own eyes.  Just looky here, he said while pointing into the toilet.  Right exactly where I left them in the first place.  Then as he leaned down slowly in order to be able to retrieve them, with his hand resting upon the handle of the commode…

Yep, you probably guessed it already.  He flushed his teeth right down the very drain.  I had to place an emergency call to the nearest available plumber somewhere outside of my grandpa’s homestead.  Which was already so obviously most conveniently located right smack dab in the very middle of no other possibly available place for him to choose to have made the decision to purchase and to own a permanent home, anywhere else upon any given map, other than Bumfuck, Timbuktu itself.  (more, possibly later)

I woke up this morning, friday the 13th with great feelings of impending doom.  I put my t-shirt on backwards while getting dressed.  It was those fruit of the loom guys playing the same old familiar joke on me once again, though I know I can’t prove it (just yet).   I slowly and cautiously walked from my bedroom to the kitchen, so as not to trip and stumble to the floor and possibly even die as a result of my injuries.  Who then will be able to continue to solve the many hidden mysteries all around my apartment, which only I am able to only do so in the first place?

Example..one afternoon, most recently  I came across a very tiny piece of dark blue pocket lint on the kitchen floor (I didn’t know what it was until after I picked it up).  It was the lint fairy again.  I knew it.  And this time I even took a picture of the evidence before tossing it in the trash like the others, just in case (you never know)…

Getting back to where I left off.  I eventually made it safely to the kitchen somehow without falling down and dying a very slow and painful death, and proceeded to nuke a frozen pancake meal while purposely standing away at a very safe distance.  I don’t claim to know the future, or how I’m going to die one day, but I do know that it’s not going to be by radiation poisoning if I can possibly help it.  So anyway, here now is my latest conspiracy theory.

I was having trouble eating.  I sensed that something was very, very wrong as I attempted to chew but could not bring myself to swallow.  That’s when it hit me good and hard.  Aunt Jemima had been looking right at me the whole entire time.  I quickly turned the syrup bottle around before taking very careful baby steps to the bathroom to spit my food into the toilet.  Then suddenly a light bulb went off in my head.  No wonder I had been having so much trouble going to the bathroom lately, the tidy bowl man was in on it too.

I instantly felt I had to tell the world about my latest discovery, but how was I ever going to properly be able to do just so with a mouthful of food I couldn’t spit into my toilet?  Which is exactly what brings me ‘here’ in the first place…Oh, I already know what you are probably thinking.  Wouldn’t it be logical to simply step outside and spit the food out on the lawn?  Believe me you, I would indeed but then the space aliens might finally get me.  Who in their right mind would ever take such a foolish chance to be abducted and stuck in outer space with a mouth full of food and consequently also unable to scream for help?

I’ve attached some of my most recent pics (cold hard evidence).  NOW do you believe me?..

I woke up this morning, friday the 13th with great feelings of impending doom.  I put my t-shirt on backwards while getting dressed.  It was those fruit of the loom guys playing the same old familiar joke on me once again, though I know I can’t prove it (just yet).   I slowly and cautiously walked from my bedroom to the kitchen, so as not to trip and stumble to the floor and possibly even die as a result of my injuries.  Who then will be able to continue to solve the many hidden mysteries all around my apartment, which only I am able to only do so in the first place?

Example..one afternoon, most recently  I came across a very tiny piece of dark blue pocket lint on the kitchen floor (I didn’t know what it was until after I picked it up).  It was the lint fairy again.  I knew it.  And this time I even took a picture of the evidence before tossing it in the trash like the others, just in case (you never know)…

Getting back to where I left off.  I eventually made it safely to the kitchen somehow without falling down and dying a very slow and painful death, and proceeded to nuke a frozen pancake meal while purposely standing away at a very safe distance.  I don’t claim to know the future, or how I’m going to die one day, but I do know that it’s not going to be by radiation poisoning if I can possibly help it.  So anyway, here now is my latest conspiracy theory.

I was having trouble eating.  I sensed that something was very, very wrong as I attempted to chew but could not bring myself to swallow.  That’s when it hit me good and hard.  Aunt Jemima had been looking right at me the whole entire time.  I quickly turned the syrup bottle around before taking very careful baby steps to the bathroom to spit my food into the toilet.  Then suddenly a light bulb went off in my head.  No wonder I had been having so much trouble going to the bathroom lately, the tidy bowl man was in on it too.

I instantly felt I had to tell the world about my latest discovery, but how was I ever going to properly be able to do just so with a mouthful of food I couldn’t spit into my toilet?  Which is exactly what brings me ‘here’ in the first place…Oh, I already know what you are probably thinking.  Wouldn’t it be logical to simply step outside and spit the food out on the lawn?  Believe me you, I would indeed but then the space aliens might finally get me.  Who in their right mind would ever take such a foolish chance to be abducted and stuck in outer space with a mouth full of food and consequently also unable to scream for help?

I’ve attached some of my most recent pics (cold hard evidence).  NOW do you believe me?..

 

So the happy prostitute said to the sad prostitute, you know..it takes far fewer muscles to smile than frown, not to mention you’ll get even more business this way.  To which the sad prostitute replied, I can’t smile right now..too many cramps (pointing at her frown).

A blonde walks into a fast food restaurant and asks if by chance they carry something called a blowjob to go, for her very demanding boss who sent her there to pick one up for him.

That’s all the jokes for now.  It was a very short drive.  Does anyone else ever wonder what makes certain people look both ways repeatedly, before eventually deciding to make a RIGHT turn at an intersection?..This is where I instantly lost my sense of humor during my brief road trip, although a tiny part of me still wanted to laugh anyway.  Was too busy cussing up a storm at the driver of the car ahead of me to want to try to reconsider.

 

Yo’ granma so fat that she went next door to borrow a cup of sugar, and she never came home.

Yo’ granma so fat that when Tony Orlando moved into the apartment directly above her, she knocked three times on the ceiling and then passed out from exhaustion.  Yo’ granma so fat that when she came to, she picked herself up off of the floor and knocked three more times on the ceiling causing her to pass out from exhaustion once again, and breaking an arm in the process.  Yo’ granma so fat that when she came to this time, she easily ignored the pain within her broken arm and knocked three more times on the ceiling, just moments before the law arrived and arrested her for not only stalking her neighbor and disturbing the peace, but also for being so very damn fat and ugly in the first place.

Yo’ granma so fat that when she yelled out her order at the burger king drive thru the building shook and crumbled to the ground.  Yo’ granma so fat that even though the building was destroyed right in front of her very eyes, she continued to place her order.   Yo granma so fat that after she was finally finished with placing her 15 minute long order, it only took a few moments of silence while staring at the drive thru speaker to cause her to speed away angrily, just before destroying the local mcdonalds as well in the very exact same manner, with her big fat hungry mouth.

Yo’ granma so fat that she went next door to borrow a cup of sugar, and she never came home.

Yo’ granma so fat that when Tony Orlando moved into the apartment directly above her, she knocked three times on the ceiling and then passed out from exhaustion.  Yo’ granma so fat that when she came to, she picked herself up off of the floor and knocked three more times on the ceiling causing her to pass out from exhaustion once again, and breaking an arm in the process.  Yo’ granma so fat that when she came to this time, she easily ignored the pain within her broken arm and knocked three more times on the ceiling, just moments before the law arrived and arrested her for not only stalking her neighbor and disturbing the peace, but also for being so very damn fat and ugly in the first place.

Yo’ granma so fat that when she yelled out her order at the burger king drive thru the building shook and crumbled to the ground.  Yo’ granma so fat that even though the building was destroyed right in front of her very eyes, she continued to place her order.   Yo granma so fat that after she was finally finished with placing her 15 minute long order, it only took a few moments of silence while staring at the drive thru speaker to cause her to speed away angrily, just before destroying the local mcdonalds as well in the very exact same manner, with her big fat hungry mouth.

 

“As The World Sits and Spins”®

Like turds within the toilet bowl, these are the “Ways of our Lives”®.

“All My Red-headed Stepchildren”®

“General Whore Spital”®

“The Guiding Bud Light”®

“The Well Hung and the Restless”®